Very Happy Ed

Hello World Part 2

Facebook is a hellsite. Twitter is a hellsite. I'm thinking of re-using my LiveJournal for daily ramblings. 

Problem being that to make them shareable to the hellsites I have to make them public. I might also need to scrub over a decade of old posts to avoid certain IRL connections from stumbling on them.

Lots to consider...

Very Happy Ed

Wallet Wallop

Ran a rough budget. I have exactly $0 to spend on therapy out of pocket. Even if my insurance covers some, it won't cover all, so that's it for the idea of therapy.
Sad Yoshi

Button depressed

Robin William's suicide really hit me. He was the class clown of the world; while he had a number of problems of his own, worse than mine, the way I saw it was that if he couldn't deal with life then what chance do I have?

I'm not the only one, and Erika Moen made that comic as their response to feeling the same way. A part of the comic is that she wanted to die but was too scared to do anything in that direction herself; if there were a button that would just blink her out of existence she would push it. Shortly before William's suicide she revealed to her husband her wish to die, started seeing a therapist, and started taking anti-depressants again. She got to a point where she no longer wanted to push that button, but then his suicide made her question everything all over. It has a happy ending, though, as she decides to live again (apparently to avoid hurting those close to her.)

Collapse )

So that's where I am right now.
Very Happy Ed

What a Tweet

If you were followed by @Kodithic on Twitter, that's me. I can't recall why I didn't get my usual Tukaro name (I might have signed up under it and then forgot). Follow me back or don't, I rarely use it to actually tweet and more as a "Log in with Twitter" kind of account.

Also I'm planning on posting here a bit more because I need an outlet that isn't Facebook. Anticipate a lot of whining.
Very Happy Ed

That which is me: The final underlying string.

Thinking about it further, I think I know where the hollow feeling comes from. For most people, something like "grief" is not a constant--they'll have an initial heavy tide at the beginning, but after a time it will pass. There will be lingering feelings now and then, but these don't heavily disrupt their mood.

For me, with my depression, it's like happiness is my grief. I've become used to having an empty feeling, a shroud of light despair over my head. So when I find a game or series or movie or even just an event that I enjoy enthusiastically, it overcomes my normal state of emotion to the point of temporarily replacing it. So, when whatever it is ends, soon after the depression not only returns, but I can easily feel this new emptiness where the happiness and joy once was. Eventually, the depression will fill this hole; and, while I might revisit whatever it was that I loved (be it replaying a game, rewatching a series, or going to a similar event), I will never get the same amount of joy as when it was new and fresh to me, so that specific thing cannot doesn't cause the same hollow feelings again.

This is what is wrong with me. This is why I avoid...everything, mostly. Nothing can make me feel so exuberant constantly and forever, and so if I do find something that I greatly enjoy it will eventually pass and then I will be left with this hollow feeling, which, at its worst, makes me wish I had never been happy in the first place so I would never know what I was missing.

This is why I can never be truly happy. This is why I don't like public, because I see others happy and I realize what I'm missing and that makes it hurt even more. This is what is wrong with me.

Fuck. I am crying so hard right now. I am so lightheaded. Fuck me.
Very Happy Ed

Moral disconnect

I find a large overlap between those who believe the government is incapable of running a health care system and those who believe the government can properly decide who should be put to death for crimes.

(Posted that on facebook and now I'm carrying on a slow, double-pronged debate against those who hate the idea of government health and those who support the death penalty.)
Very Happy Ed


Asked for and received a 15% raise today. Noice.

That just brings me back to treading water, though; my Sallie Mae bill jumped up last month and made it so I was losing money every month. Now I'm back to even with a tiny amount of breathing room, which is enough to keep me where I am for the moment.
Very Happy Ed

(no subject)

You know how people wish for something they know is impossible if not highly improbable? Like Superman or magic or winning the lottery. They don't chase after such a dream, bu it's there for them to consider, and gives them a bit of a warm feeling while they do. I'm the same way with death. Whereas someone else says "I wish I had a pony", I say "I wish I was dead". I'm not looking to off myself, or really be negligent of my own life, but I sincerely hope that my own death comes sooner than later (and hopefully peacefully and quietly).

Whenever something is really going wrong, I think "It's okay, one day I'll be dead", and it makes me feel a bit better.